Day 35 - 360 days
Updated: Feb 10
Day 35 – 360 days
Non-essential purchases: none
Weight: 65 kg – 5.8 kilos in 35 days
Calories: Under 1200 calories
Alcohol: none (day 35 of 35)
The end of another weekend and my kids are home. Yesterday I finished the painting of the cottage when I completed my bedroom. Archie has received his bed, both kids have their mattresses, and our cottage is airy, spacious, and beautiful. For the last few weeks, I have been working long hours to set up my online print store. That, on top of painting for most of the day, meant that I hit a wall yesterday afternoon. When I hit a wall, I genuinely hit a wall. It is my MS wall, a bit akin to the MS hug that some people refer to, but for me, it is the equivalent of running high speed into a large brick wall. My brain goes fuzzy, my lips go thick, my limbs go heavy and I am useless.
Sometimes it is ok to hit a wall.
A 360-days musing......
When I first started hitting a wall, I would panic. I would fight this feeling of helplessness and I would also get incredibly angry with myself. However, time and the wisdom that one episode of me hitting a while does not signify the beginning of the end has given me the luxury to say, “sometimes it is ok to hit a wall.”
We live in a world where people plaster their perfect lives all over the internet. It has increasingly become harder to admit to yourself that you aren’t perfect, and you can’t do it all. Yet illness and grief have taught me that life is too short to worry about portraying perfection to the rest of the world.
Now I almost relish the idea of hitting a wall. Not that I want it to happen, but if it does, I have learned to run with it. I also know that I hit the wall more and more infrequently and when I do, it does not have the same intensity as my earlier episodes. Some days are bad though.
Yesterday I simply went with it. I fed the dogs. The chooks and guinea pig could wait. They are all overfed anyway and always have more water than they need. I left my computer where it was on my evening desk in the lounge room. I did not shower, or even brush my teeth. I turned off the light and went to bed. I slept for over 13 hours, did not hear the fireworks of our local show nor did I hear the dogs.
When I woke this morning, I felt lazy, sore, and like I had been hit by a bus. But I also felt deliciously relaxed. We live in a crazy world and I know I have some challenges, but everyone has their own challenges. We all have our own version of hitting a wall. And it is ok. It is ok to hit a wall. By saying it is ok, you will find that your fall is a little gentler, a little more graceful and it makes getting up again that much easier.