• Lara Flanagan

Relationship Update

Updated: Feb 28, 2020

I need to update my relationship status as I am in love.  I have already raced to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Linked In.  I have proudly updated my relationship status and waited for the congratulations, likes and new followers to roll in.   I am a successful 45-year-old woman and I will shout how successful I am very loudly and clearly. I am in a relationship with chickpeas.  And I am proud damn it.   Proud, proud, proud.  And satisfied.  I just needed to bloody share.

I truly love chickpeas.  I do.  They make me want to stand in a living room, looking across a sea of people saying things like “You complete me.’’  Because they do, they really do.

One of the most annoying things about becoming a vegan is the fact that people tend to believe they have a right to attack you.  Go fucking figure.  I generally keep my feelings to myself about sex, religion, and veganism. I don’t like to talk about these things as I am of the impression that it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself about somethings.  Also, I don’t give a flying fuck as to what people choose to do in these areas either, if their choices make them happy and as long as nobody gets hurt.  

I mentioned a while ago that I have given up on politics as Trump and the North Korean psychopath have turned a lot of people into certifiable nut jobs so I don’t even like thinking about politics anymore.  I would rather just sit with my can of chickpeas, enjoying some silent time, maybe a glass of wine and a country sunset.  If I was that way inclined, I could take a selfie and share some extra self-love of me having a special time with my new love. I could do a sexy duck face with my cheeks sucked in and my body contorted into a weird angle to hide the fact that I have a stomach.

My chickpeas wouldn’t do anything so silly.  They would just sit there quietly, a calm port in a selfie storm, guarding the wine.  I am so, so in love.

Anyway, I digress.  Back to one of the annoying things about becoming a vegan, is that people like sharing their unwanted opinions with you.  With various extremes of vehemence, generally depending on how much they have had to drink.  Or how much of a complete whack job they are. I can be sitting next to someone who is consuming a steak and they will stop as they are chewing a piece of cow, look at me with disdain and say, “Don’t like the look of your salad much.”  Their opinion will not be invited nor encouraged by me having not said a word. I will have made no comment about their choice of meal, no made mention of the fact that I am a vegan.  I will look at them chewing their cow, generally with their mouth wide open and wonder what it would feel like to stab them in the eye with my salad fork.  I think it would feel good.

Invariably one of the first questions you will get when someone finds out that you are a vegan is that question of, “Vegan huh?  So where do you get your protein from?” Belts will be tightened, pants pulled higher, chests puffed out and an expectant look will be on the questioner’s face as they wait for me to admit that my choice of veganism is a foolish one and I am starving my body of protein.    I could launch into the whole protein myth, about how we in the western world, are eating way too much protein and all that jazz, but I get too tired. 

Instead, I like to smile sweetly and say ‘Gorilla’.  When the questioner looks confused, I ask them when was the last time they asked a 400-pound gorilla where he or she got their protein from.  That usually shuts people up and leaves them with the impression that I have been rude.  But I haven’t.  If I did my gorilla mating call that I was famous for in my twenties, that would be rude.  But reminding people of gorillas is not rude.  It is just that people who are rude enough to question openly and aggressively a lifestyle choice that someone makes, generally do not like being reminded that they are being a little foolish with their aggression.  Now I am in a relationship with chickpeas, the next time someone asks me where I get my protein from I am simply going to hit them over my head with a can of chickpeas.

Chickpeas are a wonderful source of protein and I am so in love.

I am fairly low maintenance so I don’t mind using canned chickpeas.  I can vividly remember a notable vegan blogger referring to canned chickpeas as ‘those awful nasty things’.  That just makes me sigh and start stabbing people with my fork.  Why do we insist on bringing people down?   I have no idea.  Tinned chickpeas are just fine.  If you want to go to the effort of soaking overnight and you have the time and energy then knock yourself out.  But don’t make other people bad for grabbing a tin off the shelf and falling in love.   I am like Michelle Obama proclaiming when they go low, I go high.  High on love and life with my tinned chickpeas. 

Also, if you use tinned chickpeas, then you have readymade aquafaba.  I am still not too certain about aquafaba but I know that it opens all sorts of possibilities in my life ahead.  Chickpeas.  Damnit.  Who would have thought?

Chickpeas, how I love you, let me count the ways.

  1. Hummus: I think hummus is one of the best things in the world.  I love hummus.  Like I love chickpeas.  Super easy to make.  2 years ago, I shared my Hummus recipe and proclaimed that Chickpeas were a girl’s best friend.  Now I am updating my relationship status.  It’s been a slow burn, but love has arrived.

  2. As is: Archie and Rissie eat chickpeas like they are sweets.  If I put a bowl of them in the table, they will disappear quite quickly.  I also love them slightly warmed with a drizzle of oil oil and some salt.

  3. Salads: Add to salads for texture and protein!

  4. Chilli: Chickpeas make a great base for an awesome chilli.

  5. Curries: I love chickpeas in curries – super scrummy and easy too!

#Chickpeas #VeganSavoury #Food #Humour #MyStories #Fortheloveoffood #Hummus #Vegan #MyNotes

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